Pushing through the pain
I’ve had a couple rough months, to say the least. I haven’t shared all the details. The reason is simple. I’ve decided to be a bit more selective about the personal information I share with online friends and family.
Far too many people have taken my personal information and experiences, and thrown them back into my face. Even my Dad has done it. So many of these people ignore all the good I’ve done, and just concentrate on whatever news they can warp into their own personal crusade against me.
I’ve seen people make lists of all the negative stuff I’ve done. A list of minor disagreements, or troll attempts against me, my failure to pay a bill, etc. All these facts or perceptions are merged into a list of reasons why I’m allegedly a bad person and deserve to be driven off the Internet, etc. The constant attacks cause me great emotional and physical pain.
As I was about to succumb to the pain, with the ultimate foolish solution, I realized a few things. I’m too stubborn to end my life just because some people don’t like me.
My stubbornness has been a curse and a blessing. In my youth, I got myself into needless trouble. I fought the teachers, as well as the bullies. In my older years, I learned to pick my battles. I also learned the fight for survival doesn’t always need to be fought in the public arena. The best battles are won intellectually and emotionally. I decide that someone will not hurt me. I stand firm, and walk away from those who would hurt me.
I know people are able to cause pain because they feel a power over their victims. The haters refuse to accept responsibility for their own actions. The people who run the various online services, web sites and forums refuse to accept responsibility for ensuring the safety of their sites etc. I also came to the realization that no one was willing to stand up in my defense.
Over recent months I began to suspect that some friends and fans were actually plotting against me while they declared their friendship to my face, on live video chats, etc. I never quite put together enough evidence to prove my theory. But I did catch them harassing someone whom I viewed as a treasured online friend.
I tried to reason with these “friends” several times, only to receive several un-convincing excuses. Then one day the harassment of my friend intensified. I attempted to reason with them, and was attacked. They pushed me away. I blocked them from my online contacts, and felt relieved and saddened at the same time.
I’ve coped with my stress the best I can. I haven’t always made all the best decisions. I got drunk. I bought some new tech toys. I didn’t share all the information in my videos. I’ve made fewer videos in recent weeks.
Today I felt especially tired. I’m a bit hungover. I napped a few times today. I woke up awhile ago, feeling pain in many of my joints. My left thumb can’t handle any significant weight. Until recently I was using my left hand to hold drinks, etc because of the tendonitis in my right elbow. At various times, all my joints ache. I don’t even trust myself to walk very far.
My problems are most likely aggravated by my body weight, and by the constant wet weather we’ve had over recent days. I need to do laundry and go grocery shopping, but I don’t feel up to the challenges. I ran out of denture adhesive, so I’ll go toothless till I go to the grocery store.
Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow?! In the meantime, I’ll watch Friday Night Smackdown and curse at the Soap Opera on Steroids.